The Comeback Song...

It's being awhile folks. A long while.when last we left..I was...well... not good to say the least. Things were...down right shitty. My life was slowly turning into some horrible episode of Mad Men. Minus all the smoking and sex. And that red head with the huge boobs, but that's besides the point. The point is, in the last few months, I have held up all my feelings and thoughts inside and hidden away from the world. Hibernation for the soul. A soul that has been worn down to almost nothing. And that's why I hid. To get some sanity back. I was, to put it bluntly, about to go nuts. Seriously.

So nuts, in fact, that I, in tony soprano fashion, had to get a shrink. And that, sure enough, was step one in the long process of healing. Or waking up, if you want to go with the hibernation metaphor I used earlier. Lucky for me, I got one that helps instead of undermines my problems and tries to get me to stop killing, uh , I mean... stop doing bad things (I've been watch The Sopranos a lot, can you tell?) Along with the doc, I got a job! At the happiest place on earth..-'s smaller cousin, the Disney store no less. I can honestly say it is impossible to be unhappy in such a brightly colored, cartoon-y, child-like place like that. It's a place that is great for a big kid like me to go back to being a big kid again. Something which I was sorely missing. And then on top of all that, I got my cable back! So now I can watch soccer and other pointless television all I want now. Needless to say, I have been putting my life back together and I'm in place where I think I should let the world know how I'm doing. Which is fine.

I'm quite sure I owe all of you an apology for just up and leaving with any statement of my reasons for leaving or telling anyone goodbye, and for that I am truly sorry. But (and this is a huge but) I hope that this note/blog/whatever this will appear as on what service you use will find you in good health and high spirits. and even more so, I hope you take the time to read this, and maybe you'll respond to it. Leave me a message, post a comment, tell me I suck, call me names, tell me you love me, tell me you want my body. (if you do that, I plead with you, do it in private. I don't want any weird questions from my family who are my friends on here) Do whatever you feel. I'll gladly take insults and jabs than silence and stillness.I would just like to hear from those i love and those i have lost contact with through no fault but my own. I am not sure what my status is for school, if I'll come back, if I'll be taken back, or even if I want to go back (all of that is another essay for another time...that time being next week) but I will do my best to keep you all informed.Until then, much love to all and to all...Evening, bitches

The Change Song...

Many new and interesting tings are happening and I am back to share them all with you! (I sounded like a acting teacher I had in college for a second...weird) First, I have great news! I found a job! Best day of my life up to now (well, I have had some pretty good nights, not to many days...bust that's another blog...) I am now an employee for the wonderful world of Disney(the Disney store, to be specific), or the evil empire, however you look at them. I was so happy, I actually kissed a poster of Hannah Montana on the way out the door! I think Hannah enjoyed it, but she couldn't say anything because, ya know, she's an inatimate object. But yes, I have ajob and I'm already super excited to start on sunday. But enough about my new employer, making out with a picture of miley cyrus and all that. Let's get to the title of the song.

Change.

Everyone wants it. Needs it. Ninety percent of this years' elction is based around it. It's a cornerstone of human exsistance. Most people grow tired of monotony and need it. Whether it be a change of scenery, lover, or maybe just a change of the food you eat. But at some point, your going to want change. And if you don't want it, change will sneak right up on you and poof! Change has changed you with you even knowing it. Now that my useof the word cahng ahs borderd on criminal, onward.

I need a change of friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys. But that's the point. Boys. Being a straight male means that inherantly, I have a lot friends that are males. And we do the things males my age do. Play video games. Watch sports. Talk about girls/women. All the normal aspects of a guys life. But I'm tired of guys. I need a woman. And not in the "God, I need some lovin' now!" way , but they "I need a new, non-male opinoin to hear." way.

This part is in praise of women. Your are all wonderful, sweet lovely people. You think clearer, smell better, walk meaner, and sing better than guys. And when one of you eneters a room, especially a room full of guys, you not only lighten the mood, but you bring a huge breath of fresh air that would be sorley missed with out.

I haven't breathed fresh "woman filled" air in about seven months. So I bit the bullet, shallowed my pride and went...to an online dating site. Now before everybody (or the seven people who read this) goes all ape shitake mushrooms on me, hear me out. All of the friends who I have who might be of the female persuasion live...far...far...far away. And, I am slowly working my way back ito being the same happy-go-lucky, try anything guy I used to be. So now I'm trying something new for the first time in months. Now granted, looking at creepos from around the world could be a bad idea, but it is change, and right now, I need some change before my head pops.

So I'm going to give this online dating thing a try (the site OkCupid if you want to, ya know, find me or try this with me) and see if it won't help me find some new people in my area. If it succeds, then well, hey, I get my change. If not, I guess the resturant of life isn't accepting mundane bills at this time and I'll have to look else where to break it. Besides, I want to change before change comes to me. Because it's better to seek change rather than have it come to you. Life waits for no one. And neither does change. So I'm done waiting.

The Age Old Song

What is wrong with love between a man of 30 and a woman of 20? Your mind would tell you "The ten year age difference, ya fool". But why is that a problem? Because you been told it is forever, or because it really is just a bad idea? You may be asking "Why are you asking this...is this a test?" Well I promise you that this is not a test, a quiz or even a study guide. It is something I have been think about for years now and again this weekend the ugly "age" dragon reared it's ugly head while I was at the fair.

When I was a senior in high school, I became friends with a fellow friends' little sister. Her (the little sister) sister had been a friend of mine years before and I felt that I should return the favor. Besides, she had guided me through the first year of high school like the wise old woman who's time on earth had given her clarity on all the things of the world. So now I, the wise old owl I had become (yeah right) could help her sister along the way. So we became friends. And we still are. I have called her my baby for years and she always returns the favor to me. But as with most of my relationships with women who I am friends with (not all of them, just alot of them), I found myself finding her attractive. Mostly because the other guys thought she was too. Call me a follower, but I could definitely see it (the only way to describe her would be, and I kid you not, is a brick...house). But my brain stopped me. I would remember "I'm 18...and she is 15...they put guys like me under the jail for stuff like that". And that was that. The fear being some huge guy named Day-Glo's bitch scared me off for...well, god knows how long.

Then time passed.

We ran into each other from time to time, each time she would run up and jump in my arms a long happy hug we would share. Two of these moments stick in my head like a jonas brothers song (now i'm speechless, over the edge and i'm breathless...damn it!). Once she and some of my other class mates visited me at school and came to watch a show i happened to be in at school. in the middle of the hall after the show, I hear my name from across the hall and see a brunette blur come shooting at me and it hit me like a feather lite ton of bricks. My director and the choreographer just bust into laughter because I had this bewildered and pleased look on my face. kind of " I just won the lottery?...seriously?" face. The second time, the role were reversed. I came to watch her show and I was waiting outside the stage door. When she saw me, she handed her things to her slightly(read: very) angered and annoyed boyfriend and again jumped on me like a kid on to a mother who just brought ice cream home after work. Each time we would talk and tell each other to stay in touch and do well. Until the fair.

The show at the fair had ended. The kids (some of them looked like toddlers..was i that small in high school? yesh.) left and went to get there free passes into the midway. My friend and I went to catch them before they dispersed to hit loud, neon maddness of the fair. This time, it was I yelled across the crowd and got her attention. She saw me and came up full speed. There it was again. The "wise owl" and his young apprentice. Lock in an air tight embrace while the boyfriend mug in the corner. But then I noticed. She was all grown up. Looking more like a woman, sounding like one as well. she had grown and I was, dare I say...proud. My baby. Now a woman. A true "diva" in the mold of the girls who I had watch and worked with in my time at the school. We talked for a few scant seconds, about me beigng at home, how she was in the show, and the fact that i should stop by the school while I'm at home. Then she and I went are separate ways. after she left, I asked my friend "how bout that?" and he said "yeah...you should hit that." After I spit out my coke, I then realized why he said that....I was 20 and she was 18...perfectly legal in the eyes of god and the general public eye. (although I'm sure the interracial fact is not so genially looked at.)

And them I thought. should I? not so much "hit that" as try to start something between the two of us. Although I had been thinking about my best friend for some time, my friends let me know I should have something or someone rather before I try to start anything with my "bestie." My brain still said no. "She's a girl, your man" "Remember Day-Glo?" "Just because they did it in Gigi doesn't mean it will work for you." and a thousand other things to keep me in line with the way the world would have me think. So now I bring to you, the blogosphere, my simple question...Is age truly nothing but a number? Or is it yet another way to categorize and discriminate people, no better than race, sexual orientation, or religion. I don't know, but i would love to hear form you on your thoughts on the subject, and on my friend and I. But for now, I'll try to wrap my brain around what a lovely you lady my friend has become...and ways to get her boyfriend to fall off a cliff.

I'm Kidding. A little. But I will leave with a song that lifts my spirits every time I hear it. Not only is it the song of my favorite football club ever (LIVERPOOL FC! YNWA) but it is also the inspiration for the name of my blog. Until next time, later days.

When you walk through a storm

hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of a storm is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,

Walk on through the rain,

Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,

You'll never, ever walk alone.

The Weekend Song

Sorry for going away for so long. Had along weekend and Monday with some crazy thing happening in and finally out of the house. On Friday, me and my friend hit the town in search of employment. I gotta pay the bills some how, right? Well I am glad to say that I have an interview this Thursday with "THE" Disney Store in my local mall. I have loved Disney since i was a kid and even thought they are ruining my life a little more every day due to the fact that Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus is everywhere, i would kill to work there. Unfortunately, I'm going to try to fake some love for little miss Montana when i go in so i can get the job. I'll keep you all in formed of how it goes and if i do get the job. On Saturday, i joined me mum to go to the north Georgia (oh, by the way, I live in Georgia...Atlanta, Georgia not war torn being bullied by Russia Georgia) state fair. She got free tickets due to her not so cushy government job. while i was there i ran into an old acquaintance of mine from high school. Not, i am not that shallow to call all of my friends acquaintances, but we really weren't friends, so that would be the appropriate term. She seems to have change quite a bit during the years i have been out of high school. she seemed to actually be interested in what i thought and was doing, quite contrary to her attitude in high school. and in addition to the attitude change, she seemed to be looking quite prettier than she did in high school. not saying she was an ugmo in high school, but at the fair, she was glowing. and i guess i was to, after running in to her :) but enough about that. on Sunday i watched the Emmys and although the host sucked (no disrespect to them. on there own shows they are all great. and Heidi Klum is just the cutest woman ever) i was happy to see my absolute most favorite woman ever (short of all the women in my family because if they weren't my favorites, i might very well lose a limb) Tina fey win about seventy three awards. Monday i returned to the fair and..well..that what the next blog is about...so read on and see what has got me questioning if age ain't truly nothing' but number...

The Secret Song

First, let me thank those who sought me out and read my first blog. You guys and particularly one gal (Eelie) where not only supportive of this blog, but very nice to a "rook" like me. So for that, I thank you. And to my lone follower (wordshaker), thanks for tuning in and I hope you enjoy my blog as much as I did yours. Secondly, I am blogging twice today because I had two, very separate things happen today that need to be addressed separately. Just imagine my last blog put together with this. I would look like a crazy to go from sheer anger to secret love. So that, my friends and foes, is the reason fro "Blog #2" (like Song #2, get it?...never mind)

In twenty years of living, I have had, what most would call a large amount of friends. Some male. Some female. Some very wonderful people. Some the very definition of "ass-clown". But out of those hundreds, maybe thousands of people, a very select few I can call my best friends. It's a short list of guys and gals whom I cherish like seats in the kop for a game against Everton (Liverpool reference, I'll explain if you ask) And out of those, a even smaller few I call my true best BEST friends. The top five I would call them. My best best friends is a girl whom I won't mention by name because, well I don't want to sell myself down the river. She has been my friends for some time now, in excess of and Olympiad. (trying to be secretive) But as with most guy-girl relationships, there is but one problem.

Love. I fear the word like a toddler fears the sharp, icy end of a doctor's needle. But with this person, it has always been there. For her, I think see enjoys me as the guy she can always depend on, short of her father or her favorite soccer player. For me, I love her more than...well, a fat kid loves cake (damn it, 50 cent) both platonic-ly and much to my own chagrin, un-platonic-ly. She is nothing short of one of the funniest, smartest, nicest people I have ever meet. Which are both qualities good for a wonderful friend and a good girlfriend. But, as most guys in my line of friendship would tell you, she is also very...very attractive. A stone cold fox, and I would never use such a cheap, 70's throw away line like that on any other person. But wait there's more.

We were over joyed to find out we would be going to college close to each other. I'm sure that the running odds on us getting it on between my friends in my neighborhood were better than those for Big Brown in the derby. But when we got to college(s), she fell for another guy, a friend of mine, and while I could fake my happiness for them, I could not fake wanting to see them together all the time . So I tried my damnedest to get out of seeing them (uh...I need to...polish my jazz shoes? I gotta get back to school for the...uh...lunch special...yeah.) After about a year of me running like a bitch, I found out that they were leaving their school and going to another. I was elated and dejected at the same time. No more happy couple to rain on my single parade. But no more best friend to have on those nights when I just needed a shoulder to lean on or a friend to call. So I continued on in my college and they went to their new college and me and my bestie drifted in to separate worlds.

Until now. We have made contact lately, and it seems we are both very tired and depressed about the current state of our affairs. The promise of a boyfriend and his seemingly unrelenting love has worn thin on her and she is think about finishing it off. And a life with out my best friend, love or no love, was becoming too heavy to bear. I didn't just miss the secret love. I missed the friendship. I am a human. And most of us do need companionship in life. My companion for a better part of an Olympiad has been her. So now, we are each others shoulder to lean on. I need her and for now, it looks like she needs me. So I have my bestie even if she is forever and a day away. But in the back of my mind, the love is still there. and now with the trouble in paradise, it has come back louder than a Who concert. So do I go with it, or hold on to the friendship I need so much? I don't know. And I may never know. But I know this. These things don't work on Grey's Anatomy, and I feel they won't work here either.

The Thrid Song

I love sports. So try to follow me on the analogy. It's forth quarter of a football (American) game and the team is losing 25 to 22 and we have ten seconds left, no time outs, on the own thirty and three seconds left on the clock. The coach could A) call in the field goal unit and go for the tie and overtime, which might beat down more on his already beaten down, beaten up team or B) go for it all and try for a touchdown, knowing full well he could lose it all. That is now what I have to do.

I am usually a peaceful person. I just like to be left alone. But when people won't let me be alone or do my own thing, I get frustrated, depressed and all the other thing that a person who keeps to himself would get. For the past few weeks , my step father has been growing more and more incredulous to me and it has start to drive to a point where I am tired of dealing with it. I have known this man of the better part of 12 years, which could best be described as "less than stelar". Some times, things are great, and most times things are lousy. Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Of course, in the state I was in, this made things worse. After all, I do care for my step father as a human being and it made me deeply sad. Now, I'm going to preface this by saying my biological father died from lung cancer when I was twelve, so this is not the first time I have had to deal with cancer. Which leads to this statement, for some one with cancer, his attitude has gotten worse. Of some one who could very well be headed down a path to certain doom, he is still being as aggravating and counter active as he was before hand. Today, in the span of three hours, he has kicked me out of my room (down stairs to upstairs, which is where I was for most of my teenage years) citing the fact that "It's too much space that he needs" and "that this is my area and i want it back", stated that he thinks that I am using too much water in the house and I should stop using so much (I take a shower...not even every day and I am rarely in the shower for more than 15 minutes tops) and that if I don't start following his orders that I am going to see a side of him "I don't want to see". The truth is, I have seen that side already. and I don't want to deal with it. In my current state, that side might drive me to point of near destruction, and that thing I fear the most.

So I am calling in my quarterback and going for the touchdown. I will be telling my mother that I want out. I have no job right now, but it has gotten to the point where I would rather be on the street than want to try to deal with a person who should have a better out look on life due to the cruel hand he has been dealt. Ss i stated earlier, I like to be left alone and the best way to be alone is to go some where else. Where? I don't know. But better to get out now than to go down later. I know this sounds like I am being a jerk, but my stepfather is not "dying" per say, in fact, he is doing fine. He is able to do his own thing which includes lauding most of the blame for what is happening in the house on me. So let's see what happens when the my team tries to win it all on the last second call I make, and see when I leave, who will he have to blame then?

The Short Song

I am about take a walk before I knock my stepfather two ways to sunday... but when i return I'll have a new, possibly expletive laden blog for all of you..until then, I'm getting out of here before I punch something. Oh and I should have new not me pictures when I get back as well (taking the camera to capture this lovely gray day in the land of peaches and stupid people) until then...love